Say No to Trump

Donald Trump is everywhere. He’s YOOOOOGE… and inescapable. I turn on my television and there he is. And he wants to be president.

At first, I thought it was a joke. I know that many still don’t take him seriously. But guys? I’m starting to worry.

In the age of “going viral”, it’s certainly not unheard of to take a joke a little bit too far. Take the potato salad story. In 2014, a Columbus, Ohio man started a Kickstarter crowdfunding campaign to raise money to make a potato salad. It was a joke, a prank, a gag. But somehow, it grabbed attention. People gave money, probably ironically at first. Who has spare cash to give away ironically? I don’t know. But apparently, there are more of them than you’d think. The guy who wanted to raise $10 to buy some potatoes and mayonnaise ended up pulling in over $55,000. Let me say that again. A month-long Kickstarter campaign meant mostly as a joke — meant to raise $10 at most — raised OVER FIFTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. To make potato salad.

Now, as pranks go, this one was by all accounts benign. Even beneficial — the man who started it all ended up organizing PotatoStock, a giant potato salad party with the proceeds going to benefit charities that help homeless and hungry people. That’s awesome, and the fact that something so incredible could come out of a joke is probably part of the reason why people are eager to hop on the bandwagon of new, exciting, internet-friendly viral ventures.

But there’s a darker side to this, and you can see it by looking at all of the instances of a popular internet thing going horribly wrong. An innocent student hounded because he was misidentified as the Boston Marathon bomber early on. Fake charities, fake pregnancies, and faked illnesses. Anonymous. GamerGate. Rebecca Black’s Friday.

And now, there’s Donald Trump.

I know, I know — he’s a businessman and would-be politician, not an internet sensation. But in many ways, Donald Trump is made for the internet. He’s an active Twitter user. That hair. He says pithy, easily meme-able things. That hair. He’s “not politically correct”. That hair. The reality shows and pageants. That hair.

And he’s caught on, in a big way. And I’m starting to really fear how far this joke might go.

I urge you, if you’re looking at Donald Trump as a serious solution to the nation’s problems, please stop and rethink. If you know someone who has jumped on the Donald Trump bandwagon, please urge them to stop and rethink.

A country is not a business, and being able to handle money as a business person (however arguable Trump’s ability to do that is) does not translate to an ability to handle our country’s money.

A man who thinks that politically correct is a bad thing to be shouldn’t be allowed near foreign policy decisions. Political correctness is another way of saying “respect for others”. Trump’s brashness will lose allies and could conceivably start wars.

A man who is too thin-skinned to handle debate questions from Fox reporters can’t possibly be trusted with the immense pressures of the nation’s highest office.

We’re a nation founded on immigration. Trump’s attitude toward immigrants is unconscionable in a country that claims to pride itself on welcoming “the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

And… that hair. Do you really want to look at it for four straight years?

Donald Trump is massively entertaining for a real estate developer. I freely admit that. Give him a new reality show. A new pageant. A new book deal. Let him back in the WWE ring. But for the love of all things sane and good, do not give this man elected office. Especially not THIS elected office.

Funny and Terrible Campaign Song Videos

Despite the fact that we’re over a year away from the 2016 elections, things are already heating up. We’ve got former First Lady, former senator, and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, current senator Bernie Sanders, and former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley on the Democratic side, along with a few other hopeful, but unlikely candidates that will probably throw their hats in the ring later. And on the Republican side, we have… a clusterfuck that includes more than a dozen declared and likely-but-undeclared candidates, each one more terrifying than the last.

So, the time between now and November 2016 promises to be a time of nail-biting anguish and heated Facebook debates. However, there is at least one thing we can all agree on — there will plenty of funny and terrible YouTube videos to come out of the journey to the White House. To kick off the parade of the absurd, here are two campaign song videos that struck me as absurd and hilarious.

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Porn Store Stories: Moaning Monday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear MILF Hunter,


Pro-tip: When you come into a porn store searching for new MILF related masturbation material, do not ask the cashier helping you look, “by the way, do you have any kids?” It makes us nervous.



Not a MILF


Dear “Stripper”,


Why do I have trouble believing that a 70 year old man needs a stripper discount for his leather thong? Are male strippers in high demand among the nursing home ladies or something? I know we live in Retirement Central, but still, something seems suspicious here.



Not Buying It

Porn Store Stories: Job Seeker Sunday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear You’re So Vain,


Just because we sell sex related merchandise does not mean that your sex life is relevant to your job application here. You will not be asked to test any products or give any performances. Nobody wants to see you shirtless. I could not care less if you are a freak in bed. It’s a cashier job. I want to know if you can work a register, clean, put out stock, and talk to customers (without scaring them off.) Your bedroom skills could not be less relevant.



Dear Squeamish,


It’s an adult novelty store. We sell sex toys. Yes, you have to handle the stock. You have to put it out on the shelves, you have to straighten and rearrange it, and you have to take it out of the packages so customers can see it or so you can put batteries in and test it before selling it. If you can not handle touching a big pink dildo, you can not work here. Full stop.



What Did You Expect?


Porn Store Stories: Swept Away Saturday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Two Really Old Dudes,


So sorry I didn’t have any women’s edible panties for you two, and that the men’s edible briefs weren’t quite your style. I hope you two are happy with the vibrating panties you chose instead. Have a nice day and come again.



Just When I Think I’ve Seen It All


Dear Guy Going To A Wedding,


In what world is a ten inch vibrator an appropriate wedding present? I mean, if you’d said you were going to a bachelorette party or something, sure. But as an actual wedding present? I mean, I’m happy to make the sale, don’t get me wrong. But I sincerely hope that it’s a very informal wedding and that the groom has a very good sense of humor.



Would Like To Be a Fly on That Wall


Dear Divorce Party Lady,


I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of a divorce party before, but judging by your purchases, I get the idea. Whoever is getting the divorce must be a good friend of yours, because $90 is a lot to spend on a divorce party present. (Well, it seems that way to me… then again, what do I know about divorce parties?) In any case, I hope you and the divorcee and other guests have fun. Make sure to tell them where you shopped for presents.



Learn Something New Every Day


Dear Guy Selling Necklaces,


No, I suppose I don’t look like a cop. But I am at work. Not only am I at work, I’m at work in a low-paying cashier job in a porn store. So why would you think I want to spend $100 on your (probably stolen, fake, or both) gold chains? Time to buy something, or leave.



Scam Somebody Else


Porn Store Stories: Whacked Out Wednesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Homeless Guy,


I don’t mind if you come in the store to look around and get out of the outside for awhile, even though I know you aren’t going to buy anything. I don’t even mind that you expect me to make small talk with you. It’s not like I’m busy. I do, however, mind listening to you tell me all about how wonderful you think Rush Limbaugh is and spouting all of his talking points at me. I’m not going to get into a political debate with you. I’m just not. But you do realize Rush wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire, right? Why on earth would you follow that gasbag? Time for you to go…



Hoping You Don’t Vote… For Your Own Sake


Dear Drunk Stripper,


Um. Thank you for the hug, but for future reference, it’s very unsettling to me when a complete stranger runs behind the counter and bear hugs me. Don’t worry, I won’t forget the stripper discount. Maybe you should go hug that guy that’s paying for your stuff… you know, the one that stood outside the fitting room while you drunkenly tried on a mountain of clothes? He told me that he was in for an expensive night… looks like he was right. Least you could do would be to hug him.



No Hugs For Me


Porn Store Stories: Trauma and Drama Tuesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Creepy Leering Guy,


There are so many things in this store for you to stare at. We have crazy toys. We have posters of half naked porn stars. There is at least one fully naked porn star on almost every DVD case. We even have blow-up dolls.


So why are you staring at me?


You’ve been in this store for an hour and a half, and every time I look up, you’re staring. And it’s creepy. And I really wish you would quit.


And by the way, asking me which days and hours I work normally didn’t make me feel any better about you. You don’t need to know that. Go. Away.



Please Don’t Stalk Me



Dear Pumper,


Yes, I know that I’m the only worker in the store and am therefore the default expert on our stock. So I really apologize for my lack of knowledge about penis pumps. But, you see, since I lack the necessary equipment to use one even if I wanted to, and have never seen one in use, it is very difficult for me to determine which one would be best for you. That’s a decision you really need to make on your own.


However, since I explained to you multiple times that I really had no idea what the difference among them was, AND let you examine all of them out of the packaging so that you could determine the differences for yourself, and you’re still asking for my advice, I give up. See that one there? It’s the most expensive one we stock. Therefore it must be the best, right? Go with that. Good luck. And remember, all sales are final.



If It Were A Breast Pump, I May Have Been More Help


Dear Dreadlocks,


I know I’ve already mentioned customers who overstayed their welcome while picking up every movie in the place, thoroughly examining it, and putting it back. But you — you are breaking some kind of record here. You have been here for FOUR hours. Nobody spends four hours in a porn store. Don’t you have anything else to do? And if not, may I suggest combing your hair?



It’s a Store, Not The Porn Museum