Porn Store Stories: Moaning Monday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear MILF Hunter,

 

Pro-tip: When you come into a porn store searching for new MILF related masturbation material, do not ask the cashier helping you look, “by the way, do you have any kids?” It makes us nervous.

 

Signed,

Not a MILF

 

Dear “Stripper”,

 

Why do I have trouble believing that a 70 year old man needs a stripper discount for his leather thong? Are male strippers in high demand among the nursing home ladies or something? I know we live in Retirement Central, but still, something seems suspicious here.

 

Signed,

Not Buying It

Porn Store Stories: Job Seeker Sunday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear You’re So Vain,

 

Just because we sell sex related merchandise does not mean that your sex life is relevant to your job application here. You will not be asked to test any products or give any performances. Nobody wants to see you shirtless. I could not care less if you are a freak in bed. It’s a cashier job. I want to know if you can work a register, clean, put out stock, and talk to customers (without scaring them off.) Your bedroom skills could not be less relevant.

Signed,
OMG, TMI

 

Dear Squeamish,

 

It’s an adult novelty store. We sell sex toys. Yes, you have to handle the stock. You have to put it out on the shelves, you have to straighten and rearrange it, and you have to take it out of the packages so customers can see it or so you can put batteries in and test it before selling it. If you can not handle touching a big pink dildo, you can not work here. Full stop.

 

Signed,

What Did You Expect?

 

Porn Store Stories: Swept Away Saturday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Two Really Old Dudes,

 

So sorry I didn’t have any women’s edible panties for you two, and that the men’s edible briefs weren’t quite your style. I hope you two are happy with the vibrating panties you chose instead. Have a nice day and come again.

 

Signed,

Just When I Think I’ve Seen It All

 

Dear Guy Going To A Wedding,

 

In what world is a ten inch vibrator an appropriate wedding present? I mean, if you’d said you were going to a bachelorette party or something, sure. But as an actual wedding present? I mean, I’m happy to make the sale, don’t get me wrong. But I sincerely hope that it’s a very informal wedding and that the groom has a very good sense of humor.

 

Signed,

Would Like To Be a Fly on That Wall

 

Dear Divorce Party Lady,

 

I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of a divorce party before, but judging by your purchases, I get the idea. Whoever is getting the divorce must be a good friend of yours, because $90 is a lot to spend on a divorce party present. (Well, it seems that way to me… then again, what do I know about divorce parties?) In any case, I hope you and the divorcee and other guests have fun. Make sure to tell them where you shopped for presents.

 

Signed,

Learn Something New Every Day

 

Dear Guy Selling Necklaces,

 

No, I suppose I don’t look like a cop. But I am at work. Not only am I at work, I’m at work in a low-paying cashier job in a porn store. So why would you think I want to spend $100 on your (probably stolen, fake, or both) gold chains? Time to buy something, or leave.

 

Signed,

Scam Somebody Else

 

Porn Store Stories: Whacked Out Wednesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Homeless Guy,

 

I don’t mind if you come in the store to look around and get out of the outside for awhile, even though I know you aren’t going to buy anything. I don’t even mind that you expect me to make small talk with you. It’s not like I’m busy. I do, however, mind listening to you tell me all about how wonderful you think Rush Limbaugh is and spouting all of his talking points at me. I’m not going to get into a political debate with you. I’m just not. But you do realize Rush wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire, right? Why on earth would you follow that gasbag? Time for you to go…

 

Signed,

Hoping You Don’t Vote… For Your Own Sake

 

Dear Drunk Stripper,

 

Um. Thank you for the hug, but for future reference, it’s very unsettling to me when a complete stranger runs behind the counter and bear hugs me. Don’t worry, I won’t forget the stripper discount. Maybe you should go hug that guy that’s paying for your stuff… you know, the one that stood outside the fitting room while you drunkenly tried on a mountain of clothes? He told me that he was in for an expensive night… looks like he was right. Least you could do would be to hug him.

 

Signed,

No Hugs For Me

 

Porn Store Stories: Trauma and Drama Tuesday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Creepy Leering Guy,

 

There are so many things in this store for you to stare at. We have crazy toys. We have posters of half naked porn stars. There is at least one fully naked porn star on almost every DVD case. We even have blow-up dolls.

 

So why are you staring at me?

 

You’ve been in this store for an hour and a half, and every time I look up, you’re staring. And it’s creepy. And I really wish you would quit.

 

And by the way, asking me which days and hours I work normally didn’t make me feel any better about you. You don’t need to know that. Go. Away.

 

Signed,

Please Don’t Stalk Me

 

 

Dear Pumper,

 

Yes, I know that I’m the only worker in the store and am therefore the default expert on our stock. So I really apologize for my lack of knowledge about penis pumps. But, you see, since I lack the necessary equipment to use one even if I wanted to, and have never seen one in use, it is very difficult for me to determine which one would be best for you. That’s a decision you really need to make on your own.

 

However, since I explained to you multiple times that I really had no idea what the difference among them was, AND let you examine all of them out of the packaging so that you could determine the differences for yourself, and you’re still asking for my advice, I give up. See that one there? It’s the most expensive one we stock. Therefore it must be the best, right? Go with that. Good luck. And remember, all sales are final.

 

Signed,

If It Were A Breast Pump, I May Have Been More Help

 

Dear Dreadlocks,

 

I know I’ve already mentioned customers who overstayed their welcome while picking up every movie in the place, thoroughly examining it, and putting it back. But you — you are breaking some kind of record here. You have been here for FOUR hours. Nobody spends four hours in a porn store. Don’t you have anything else to do? And if not, may I suggest combing your hair?

 

Signed,

It’s a Store, Not The Porn Museum

 

Porn Store Stories: Slow Sunday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Big Spender,

 

You picked out two condoms. That is less than three dollars… do you really expect me to change a hundred dollar bill for you? We’re a little store in the ghetto. I’m not clearing my drawer and having no change for the rest of the night for your two condoms. I sincerely have to wonder if you’re not just trying to change out a fake bill. Who does that?

 

Signed,

Break Your Big Bills Elsewhere

 

Dear Happy Couple,

 

No, I cannot recommend any particular Blu-Ray porn. I work part time at a porn shop for peanuts… even if I wanted to buy porn, I couldn’t afford it in Blu-Ray. I haven’t seen any of this stuff. And the reason that we only have a few Blu-Ray titles is that we’re located in the ghetto, people here are poor, and no one can afford them. The boss stocks cheap porn because that’s what people actually buy.

 

That said, I’m glad you two had such fun picking out your movie… you were the most normal customers I’ve had in days. Enjoy.

 

Signed,

Amused

 

Dear Readers,

 

Happy Halloween!

 

Signed,

The Smut Peddler

 

Porn Store Stories: Swamped Saturday

A few years ago I worked at an “adult novelty store”. Craziest job ever. I used to mentally compose letters to my more colorful customers and write them in a blog after I got home. That blog is long gone; these are the stories that I still have.

Dear Costume Shoppers,

 

It is Saturday. Halloween is Monday. You all just now decided you needed costumes? We’ve had them on sale for a month now. But no, you all come in hours before the parties start looking for the perfect costumes. Next year, plan ahead.

 

Signed,

Ran Like Crazy All Night

 

Dear Butt Lady,

 

When you came in and told me that you needed a big butt, do you have any idea how hard it was not to tell you to look behind you? You left yourself wide open for that. I was biting my tongue the entire time you were in the store. You seemed like a nice lady, and I’m sorry I didn’t have a fake butt to sell you. But next time, you might want to think about how you phrase these things.

 

Signed,

Still Giggling Inwardly

 

Dear Nearly Naked,

 

We are a porn store. Our costumes are seriously not revealing enough for you? Have fun at the party in the lingerie you picked out. Try not to freeze, or get arrested for indecent exposure.

 

Signed,

Seen Strippers Buy Clothes That Cover More

 

Dear Haggler,

 

No, I can’t “just cut you a better deal” on that toy. First of all, I don’t own the place, so it’s not my call. Second, this is a store, not a garage sale. We don’t haggle. Do you haggle at Wal-Mart? This is no different. Try the flea market. Good luck with that.

 

Signed,

Not Going For It